deep in my heart, i feel happy for those who are same year with me because they have many chances in performing on the stages like the NTU performance, school performance and etc... they also hav a chance in participating in the national wushu competition and some of them really won some medals among many wushu exponents from the whole singapore. especially one of my best friends, ying qing, last year he got two bronze medals for long fist and the sword category. and this year, he won a silver medal for long fist again. i feel that he really improves a lot since year 1. at the same time, i feel depressed and disappointed with myself that why my back hurts or sprain when i am training and why i feel so scared when i think of going to perform on the stage. maybe i always think that my wushu skills sucks, lousy and when i see my friends have those skills who are very zai and their skills are far better than me and so i reject performing when my coach and advisor ask me. i also have a mindset that there will always be the next time for performance when i think that my skills are better. now that, when i yearn for a chance for me to perform on the stage, it is impossible and i now have to protect my back so that it will not hurt again and nw there are so many people in wushu. so there is a little chance le.

last december, the wushu advisor organised a trip to china and asked us who wants to go there. i naturally reject him not because i dont want to go there with my friends but because of my family condition. although my family condition is still ok, it is hard for me to get money from my parents (they have also have their problems) and the trip costs a lot of money. and furthermore, i personally dont have work as it is hard for me to get a job and so i dont have money except my hong bao collected during CNY. i would love to go with them if my family condition allows me to do so. so i feel sad that i cant go with them to china (i havent been there before).

after they have coming back from china, i suddenly feel that we are drifting apart from each other as we havent been seeing each other for about 1 month. because when we eat lunch together (which we have been doing for the past 1 year), they would told me their experiences in there and i feel very uncomfortable and like dont know what is happening and that is when i start to feel that i am the only odd one that is in the whole conversation. but after a few days, i start to feel comfortable and find that it is easy to talk with them.

and back to now, i think that i need to revise with my staff skills as i almost have forgotten all the steps and need to start from scratch for my basic skills. for those who skills which needs more energy, i try not to do them as i afraid that my back will hurt again. although yesterday i do not do those difficult stunt, my back still hurts a little bit.

haha, i need to go le... write so many words le...